Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
