I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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