I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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