Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
