there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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