I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
