Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
