The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
