i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
