Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
