He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
