I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
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