I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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