Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
