Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
