I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
