I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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