...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
