My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
