So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
