just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
