you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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