She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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