He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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