I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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