If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
