if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
