meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
