This is not my ceiling
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
