I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
