sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
