i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
