I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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