I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
