i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
