Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
