Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
