thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
