I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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