I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
