I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
