Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
