alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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