i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
