I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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