nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
