So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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