god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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