now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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