I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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