Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
