you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
