I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
not ubering you a puppy
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
